I just reread my posting about having visited Pace's downtown campus, and can't help but consider the long and sometimes arduous road I've traveled since I left there in 1976. I certainly can't say it hasn't been interesting. And I don't need or want to go into great detail here. But....wow. There were days (weeks, months, years) when I didn't think I would make it. And in spite of everything, while I wouldn't say I triumphed, I can state that I have survived a lot of stuff I didn't think at the time was survivable, and here I am, pretty much still intact. The psychic bruises are finally fading a bit, and some of the memories of the better times are coming back, after years of being locked behind some kind of door in my brain.
That is a very fascinating process, the one where the memories of pretty much everything having to do with a traumatic time get locked away so you just don't remember them, and those months or years feel like a huge blank space in your head. Then, when time and distance work their magic, little snippets of the past come leaking out, like melting ice seeping under that door, and then you realize the memories are still in there somewhere, just hidden. If things seem to be ok, little pieces of memory pop back up into the active category, usually triggered by association with something you are currently doing or saying or in my case especially, smelling and hearing. I get a lot of things triggered by smells and sounds.
There are also some things that I don't like but can't figure out why, particularly sounds. For example, I can't stand the sound of car tires crunching on gravel. There must be some unpleasant association for me, but I have no idea what it might be. Another thing I can't stand is the smell of beef being grilled. Burgers, steaks, anything beef-based, the smell makes me nauseous. I do eat beef, occasionally but not often, and it's ok, it's not that I don't like the taste, I just can't bear the smell.
Go figure.
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